Heart/Mind

Standard

Time after time I find myself settling for what I know is less than I deserve. That is with everything- jobs, grades, friendships, and especially relationships. I don’t if it’s because of the extreme laziness I suffer from, of the lack of motivation but I am almost always just settling. I want to know why. I am really trying to excel in many facets of my life but I can’t do that if I don’t recognize and address my issues.

Ready? Because this is going to go from a cute little blog post to like my real life, every day, personal issues..

Mostly, the issue lies within my relationships with friends, family, and young men. (Swear I wish I could lock them all in cage and throw them in the middle of the ocean. I just don’t have the time.) Anyways, my last relationship lasted about a year and half. We met and instantly connected. I was head over heels in love. I just knew in my heart that we would be together for the rest of my life. We were so good together though. We spent everyday together and when we didn’t we talked on the phone. Real cute, #relationshipgoals, right? Yeah, tell me about it. Well, clearly that didn’t happen as we aren’t together any more. Fast forward: I go to college and meet someone who comforts me in my time of need. It was just a friendship but over the months, feelings were developed and things got a little more confusing for me because you know, it already wasn’t confusing enough.

I think all of my problems stem from my indecisiveness. I am the worst at decision-making because I weigh every option. If it has a pro I’ll weigh towards it, if another option has a pro I’ll lean towards that. I feel so much pressure to decide even in the simplest situations that I think I just decide without taking into account the pros and cons I come up with. I totally disregard them and end up making an “easy” decision by settling with what I’m comfortable with.

Perfect scenario: I have two very special guys. The right and wrong is plain as day, but of course I think about it every single day of my life- I have it rough. I’ll scale it back a little but for this most part, here it is, all of it.

Guy #1

Pros: Literally the perfect gentleman. He calls just to check on me and see how my week is going. He doesn’t pressure me into making certain decisions or doing things I don’t want to. He supports everything I do. He has been my #1 supporter since the day I decided I want to create this blog. I haven’t known him that long, but he would probably give his last to make me smile.

Cons: There aren’t too many but the few that are are a big deal to me. He’s too nice. I had this issue when I first got with my ex so I thought it would eventually fade but it still hasn’t. Like tell me no and mean it, get mad and raise your voice, something like I need a little aggression. I hate having to be in this position because I feel like I unknowingly take advantage of it and begin to depend on him for things I would normally do on my own. I like them a little rough around the edges and I think he is missing that edge.

Guy #2

Pros: Have so much history together. He knows everything about and is so close with my family. I love that we can sit and chill and do nothing together. I can completely be myself around him and he can do the same. He likes to go out and have a good time and I love to get out as well. He lets me do what I want; not clingy or pressy. I fell in love with him the first day I met him and I can’t seem to fall out of it. Our personalities are perfect for each other. We finish each other sentences because we’ve been around for so long that we know how the other thinks, acts, talks, everything.

Cons: There may be too much damage. He holds on to the past, even though he says he doesn’t. He uses the past to judge what may or may not happen in the future. I hate a pessimist. He used to me so he’s never super happy to see me and he doesn’t put heart eyes under my pictures. I know that’s childish but I need my boyfriend to hype me up, make me feel like Kim K every time to send you selfies.

I don’t want to let go of Guy #2 because I know how happy we once were and I want that happiness back. I have hope that we can get there if there is a mutual effort. It is what I’m used to and most comfortable with. I also don’t want to let go of Guy #1 because he is super, super sweet and he doesn’t deserve to be “picked”. He deserves someone who gives just as much as he does and doesn’t have to “weigh” their options.

I don’t want to make a decision because I don’t hurt one or other. I also don’t want to ruin our friendship. I have developed friendships with both of them and I don’t want to lose them in that way either. I also feel like I can’t be “just friends” with one if I decide to be with the other. My heart and my brain are telling to go in two different directions and I just feel torn most of the time. Times like these are when I wish I was a kid again and my mother made all my decisions for me.

I know that I deserve someone that supports me and makes me genuinely happy. I deserve someone who doesn’t just overlook me as if I’m just any random person. I deserve someone who will love me unconditionally. At this point, do I want happiness or comfortability?

Both of these guys follow my blog and read it so I’m pretty sure I just made the decision for myself. They’re both going to be like, oh I’m competing? Goodbye. So yeah.. But anyway, I’ve made it a summer goal of mine to beat this indecisiveness. Maybe not going to start with relationships, but I’ll start somewhere simple first.

 

Until next time,

 

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