Why not me?

My biggest fear as a child was not being enough. I always feared being left out or looked at a certain way because I wasn’t like everyone else. Maybe it was the people I was surrounded by but it really began to toy with my mind and my self-esteem. 

Growing up, all the boys loved my older sister. They would always ask me about her and tell me how cute she was and how they would make her their girlfriend one day if she’s let them. At first it­ was just something I’d brush off, but eventually I came face to face with my true feelings. It was literally hurting me on the inside because why not me? Why wasn’t I pretty enough to be fantasized over? Why didn’t anyone ever want me? The questions piled up over time and yes, the pain grew worse and worse.

So, I became the smart one. You can’t be smart and attractive and I didn’t get the attractive gene so that would leave one option for me. I became the biggest nerd. I read books for fun, I did homework when everyone else would go out with friends, I made friends with my teachers. Boys never had crushes on me. I remember this one guy I had the biggest crush on in elementary school. I wrote about him in my diary about how one day he would notice me and ask me to be his girlfriend. One day, he asked my sister the question I had wished he asked me. He liked her because she was the cute sister. I was the nerd and everybody knows nobody likes the nerd. I actually cried that day and nobody knew the real reason.

That was my first heartbreak and I hadn’t even dated anyone yet. I felt like I would never be enough for anyone that I cared about and that’s real. Besides losing my dad, that was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. Well that’s the story of my life. Like I’m dying for attention but everything I do and say goes unnoticed. And I know I shouldn’t care but that’s just me and I’ve been that way since I was little.

I write this post as a release of negative energy. I don’t tell people how I feel out of fear they won’t understand me. So, I write to express all of my emotions, unbothered and uninterrupted. Last night, this guy sat on the phone with me and listed all of his IG crushes. Not only did he list them, but he described what he loved so much about each one of them. On top of that, he sent me their profiles so I could see for myself that they were worthy. The normal me wouldn’t care but for some reason all those feelings I had pushed aside for so long came rushing back to me. This is a guy who I have been talking to for some time now and from my understanding, we were moving in a positive direction. I wouldn’t mind if they were people he’d never meet or even be in the same room with but all the girls he named were girls I either have mutual friends with or know personally.

Every emotion I felt as a kid exploded out of me. I couldn’t help but to remember that I will never be good enough. I told him I had to go to sleep, hung up the phone and cried. I don’t know how long, but I cried until I fell asleep.

I will never be the baddest on IG or have the most followers or have boys drooling over me. I­t­ literally breaks my heart that I can never find my own beauty. Some days when I wear makeup and do my hair, I can feel like I’m the most beautiful girl. People blow my mind when they call me conceited because I take so many pictures when I’m all dolled up. That’s only because when I’m not, I don’t feel beautiful. But the majority of the days I don’t feel anything close to that. I barely feel average. I don’t write this to get attention or whatever. I know there are people who see me and think I’m so cute but all it takes is for one person to think otherwise and I will fall apart, especially someone I care about.

Most people don’t know this because I never felt comfortable enough to open up about it but I’ve battled with depression for years and I’m only 20. My depression stems from various things including self-esteem issues, daddy issues, and other personal stuff that I don’t really want to talk about yet. I hate that I don’t have enough confidence in myself all the time to block out negativity. I hate that sometimes I allow myself to believe what others says and force myself to think that they may be telling the truth. And the worst part of depression is you may not know what will trigger flashbacks so yeah, his comments were probably harmless to him but now I can never talk to him again because all I will be able to think about is how I was not enough for him.

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