Today, I’m getting REAL ok? Ok. In a recent post I touched on the topic of my father leaving. Now, for those that know me, my father didn’t “leave” physically but in every other aspect of the word, he left me. Please try to keep up as I walk yall through this mess of daddy issues I was blessed to have..*inserts rolling eyes emoji..
So, when I was born my biological father did not know about me. For whatever reason, my mom and her boyfriend at the time decided it would best to not tell my real father about me being his child and for her boyfriend to raise me as his own. Note, I did not know about any of this until I was about 13-14 years old. Still following me? Ok, so I grew up knowing and loving this man as my father. I was the true definition of a daddy’s girl. I remember sitting up late every night on the couch waiting for him to come home. I refused to go to sleep unless he was home. When I remember things like these it makes me teary eyed because now I talk to him maybe once a month and it hurts.
Growing up, I would defend his name with everything in me. Even when I heard my own family talk down on him I would go up to bat for him. No one was allowed to talk bad about him on my watch. My mother’s family always condescendingly teased me saying he wasn’t even my real father. As a child hearing those words really struck me deeply. What do you mean he’s not my real father? What is a fake father? If he wasn’t my father, than who was? I began to question everything I ever knew, but I still held our bond above all things.
Him and my mom split up after 17 years together. At that time I was about 13-14. This is when my life changed. I remember the day vividly. After having this huge argument, my mother gathered all her kids and left his house. On the car ride, my mother yelled at me to stop crying because he was not my real father anyway. The tears rolled even more, but I couldn’t feel, see, or hear a thing. I was frozen. They were right all along. If he wasn’t my father then is was no way I could love him the same..
Fast forward a year or two..I was accepted to attend the best all-girls high school in the state. I was so happy to be attending that school and everyone in my family was just as happy for me. My “father” moved into a house with my grandfather and my mother lived in her own house with all her children. My grandfather bought a magnet for his car- it was a white Jeep Cherokee with a US Navy sticker on the gas tank. The magnet was navy blow with the letters, “I.N.D.” spelled across it. He might have been even happier and prouder than anyone else I know. He told every person he seen that I was going to IND. At the time, it was embarrassing but I’d give anything to see his response at my graduation four years later.
Living in separate houses negatively impacted the relationship I had with my father. I seen him only when we drove up there and when we did see him, he was always drinking. Four days before my 15th birthday my father found my grandfather in the back of his white Jeep, gasping for his last breath of life. My father starting drinking controllably ever since. To this day he still drinks and makes horrible decisions. After the first few years I stopped showing how much it bothered me. My senior year came fast and I invited him but he didn’t show up to my graduation. It was then that I decided to move on with my life.
He came and went so many times I lost count. He became exactly what everyone used to call him- a deadbeat. My father was the first man I ever loved, and the first man to break my heart. This man who I had once loved with all my heart cared more about going to the bar than my high school graduation. I took it personal and that was the last time I let him hurt me.
He calls every couple of weeks, not to check on me and see how I’m doing but to question why I haven’t called and checked on him. You know, you would think I was the parent. Our roles have become so reversed. Over the years I’ve tried desperately to repair our relationship to no avail. After awhile you simply get tired. It doesn’t even feel like something worth saving and so you stop trying.
I recently got news he has a baby on the way with the same girl who pulled out a knife on my older sister..let that sink in. The girl is all of about 24/25 and he will be 43 next year. This girl was there when my grandfather passed away but she was always introduced as a nobody. She is bumped down ok. Like, hair never done, shoes always dusty, and same outfit on. Yes, I’m being shady because she was an enabler. Throughout the years that our relationship was broken, she encouraged his drinking problem, forced him to stay with her instead of his kids, and even tried to fight his kids. After all the bullshit, he gets her pregnant. I just wish them well. The baby doesn’t have anything to do with what has transpired over the years, but I don’t want any parts of this drama. It’s like a nightmare that won’t stop.
I used to long for that relationship, that bond. My last relationship was so toxic because I was looking for all the things my father was lacking. I’m at a point in my life where it’s not even important to me to repair that relationship. Some people are not meant to be in your life for forever, and sad but true enough, he may not have been supposed to stay in my life. It is so draining to direct all my energy into something that repeatedly fails. I’ve accepted that and moved on. I’ve also started focusing on myself and looking for ways to fill those voids he left-not in other men, but within myself.
To anyone with daddy issues, you are not the only one and trust me sis, if it’s draining you more than it would help you, let it be.
Oh, and the story of my biological father, it soon come..stay tuned babez
Until next time,