From temporary to permanent


Today I sat at my desk and it hit me that I’ve reached that point in my life where stability is most important. Just a year ago I was trying to find my purpose, my significance. Actually, I think I started that phase about two years ago. I picked up and moved six hours away from “home”. I don’t think I have 100% found myself. I have however really took the time to love myself and get to know the person I want to be. Today, I was texting one of my friends and she said she was going to quit her job and invest completely in herself. Normally, I would say go for it, but today was kind of different. I had this feeling that it would a dumb idea to just quit your job. I love stability in all aspects. I like to get a paycheck, or see a steady stream of income. I don’t want it to be a surprise when I check my bank account. Could you imagine not working and just waiting around for a surprise deposit, and then when you do get it the amount is way smaller than what you expected? I would literally cry. I have developed this way of thinking for things other than my money.

I no longer entertain or find pleasure in entertaining people who are temporary or inconsistent. I’m no longer interested in ANYTHING temporary; not a job, friend, relationship. Absolutely nothing. I am building myself and my future so I don’t have the energy or space in my life for those things. Granted, I am not looking to rush anything because when it’s meant for me the time will come. For now I am just focused on continuous growth and improving this version of myself.

I started my very first finance internship, for those who don’t know, I am pursuing my undergrad degree in Business Finance. As I wrap up my first week I am getting really excited and anxious for my future. I’m really doing everything now that will pay off in the future. During my semesters I work at a little bowling alley job but I know that a better more stable career will come because I am determined to make it happen. Honestly, I don’t even feel comfortable settling for that kind of job anymore, simply to pay my bills. I’m realizing my potential and it is motivating me even more to keep pushing and never to settle for anything less than what I know I deserve.

Another reason I think I’ve reached this phase is due to a recent low I had. After my spring semester I began to feel really depressed and this time was different because I was able to pinpoint why. Of all my other episodes or lows, I haven’t been able to figure out why I was feeling the way I felt. This time I knew exactly what string of events led up to and caused my depression. One day it all caught up to me and I had to confront those feelings. I was able to confront my issues and move along after dealing with them head-on. I am so proud of myself. I’m working every single day to fight for my mental stability and each day I feel stronger and stronger. The most important kind of stability is mental. If my mind isn’t right then how can I do anything else?

Originally, I intended this post to be one of a four part series, but I think it would be more authentic if I posted them as they occur to me. I’m really big on balance and I think that by focusing on stability we’re more in tune with finding balance in our lives. I spoke earlier about having steady streams of income. This is any kind of income; income of money, blessings, opportunities, learning experiences. I’m getting a finance degree, but I also own my company and I’m working on building that as well. I landed this internship, but I’m still looking for other opportunities outside of this experience to make a name for myself, outside of the degree.

I used to be afraid of stability because I equated it to stagnancy, and I hated the thought of not moving, not growing, not changing. I realized it’s not about a lack of growth. I can find stability in many things, eventually all things will change but now I rather those things change when the time’s right for me. Today I am not the same that I was yesterday, and I won’t be the same tomorrow. However, I don’t change the person I am in my core; I simply am evolving into better versions of myself. You can think about it in terms of technology. The newest iPhone isn’t the exact same as the one they released last year. It looks different, has updated software, etc. But still it is an iPhone. It hasn’t lost what or who it is, only improving and evolving each time a new one is released. While some things are changing about it, the heart of what an iPhone is never changes. And that is my new outlook on stability. While I might cut and dye my hair or dress up in business suit, I will always be Shaniya. Whether I’m working for myself or working for a finance company, I’m still me but I am learning and growing and building myself to be better than I was the day before.

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