defeated.

It’s been very difficult these last few months to find both the time and the will to write. I’ve been feeling a lot of stress lately which could have most likely been lessened by writing more frequently to release my thoughts. I’ve been trapped inside my mind with so many overwhelming, dream-crushing thoughts and I am currently at a point where I feel like I am beginning to be myself again.

Over the summer I gained my first internship in the field I’m studying to get a degree in. It was an awesome 2 and half months journey. I learned so much and met so many very special people. I even got an offer to come back when I graduate. That motivated me to start the fall semester with a great attitude and really power through my last few semesters. The week after receiving my offer I received a delightful email from my school telling me I had to pay $5.5 thousand for the fall semester(and another $5.5 in the spring). I normally get scholarships and loans to cover my cost of school, but they cut my scholarships for no apparent reason so I literally was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I worked all summer, paid my rent forward, paid off a few bills and spoiled myself a little and now I had to deal with that. I planned on not working this semester either to really focus on school.

I go to school in NC where minimum wage is $7.25 and finding a job that pays anything above $9 is a blessing. I can’t live like that, I have expensive taste. And I also know that there aren’t enough hours in my schedule to make $5.5K in a few months. But anyway, I ended up getting it taken care of but it delayed me getting my books for class. If that wasn’t enough, my department chair refused to accept my credit for a prerequisite course so I couldn’t sign up for 2 classes I need to take. My schedule went from 18 credit hours to 13 credit hours.

The combination of these things really took me out of school mode. I got to a place where I ultimately didn’t even want to be in school anymore at all, not even just the one I’m in. I wanted to move back home and find a regular job and start my life. I was over it all. I actually cried because I felt so uncomfortable staying in NC. I just wanted the stress to be over.

About 3 weeks into the semester I got invited to join an honors society so that made me feel a little better about the semester but still I felt out of place. I went to a few meetings and the other members were just not a group of people I’d choose to be around normally(nicely out). I still wanted to go home. Ironically enough, there was a hurricane headed for NC. This was my excuse to go home. I left the day they cancelled classes. I went home for about a week and now I’m back in NC. I feel rejuvenated and refreshed and ready to really begin my semester with a clear mind. I was doing a few assignments earlier and it made me happy. I was comparing liquidity and profitability ratios for my security analysis class and it made me excited. I didn’t want to stop lol but my computer died and it was 2am.

I’m not sure how long this feeling will stay but I’m hoping it will carry me through to the end of the semester or at least until we get another break. I feel like myself a little more each day and that makes me happy. I want to continue to move back into that feeling. I also am challenging myself to stick to a strict schedule or waking up early, even if I don’t have an early class, going to bed at a decent time(it’s 4am as I type this..), finishing school work before it’s due, getting a higher GPA than last semester, taking care of my mental health, fostering greet relationships, taking advantage of my opportunities for my career.

Just a few days ago I wanted to give everything up and start a different path but now I don’t feel defeated. I feel like I can keep pushing and make the best out of this. I’ve been had to go back and read some old blogs to find that inspiration again. If you’re reading this, it’s not too late. And you can keep going. Don’t let those short, minuscule hiccups force you to make life-altering decisions. It’s ok to take a break.

One thought on “defeated.

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